I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
