Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
