She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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