im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
