the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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