I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
We got so high we made milksteak
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
