My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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