Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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