took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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