im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
