He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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