if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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