apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize