I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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