Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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