Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
