It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the condom got lost in my hair
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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