i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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