ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
