i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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