All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
