"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize