fuck your aforementioned shoe
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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