Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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