You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
