hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
