I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
