I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
