Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
