I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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