So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
