I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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