shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
