I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
