why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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