i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
