i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
