So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
