hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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