She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
