This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Randomize