Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
