I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
