So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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