A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
