God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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