Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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