Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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