We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Dear god my vagina.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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