Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
