My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
