I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
