walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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