I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
