I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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