please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
