ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
