Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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