new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
