I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
