look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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