You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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