Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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