I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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